feeling kinda weird.

its really hard for me to explain how im feeling right now... basically take every emotion you could possibly feel... cut each in half, then in half again... take all the quarter pieces and put them in a pot, now stir until you have a smooth creamy paste. THAT is how i feel right now... a weird muted version of almost every emotion i could feel... i can't say that im sad, angry, upset, happy, lonely, depressed... i can't say im any of those... cause those are all too strong... its really weird... and i think it might be becoming a bit uncomfortable. the more prominent emotions would have to be discomfort and nostalgia... i am missing a lot of things right now, wishing and missing... but the odd part is through out it all, i realize the past is the past, you can't have it back, so whats the worth in missing it. so even my nostalgia is muted... i think i've learned a BIT of patience... and that is probably in part the reason for this weird muted feeling... cause i WANT soooo much, but at the exact same time, i know i have to wait, and wanting does nothing... so i get this muted mess... hurumph... i'd say i need a change, i need something new and fresh... but hahaha, i had that not to long ago, and im not sure if i want to go through those heightened emotions like that again any time soon. thats something else i haven't really talked about with anyone, after karis (f-ing 6 years ago) i had a real hard time feeling strong emotions... i felt apathetic towards most people... i didn't hurt easily... but i also didn't care easily... this faded a bit over time... but i still didn't think i could feel love completely... then i met Sarah Beth, and this became a real problem, cause i felt i should be madly in love with her, i felt i should have butterflies and gumdrops and all that gooshy stuff... but i didn't, and i didn't understand why. i threw it up to the fact that i had cut myself off from those strong emotions. well i forced myself eventually to feel strongly for her, and in turned was once again hurt beyond belief, so in order to NOT go through what i did the last time i decided i'd try a few different things to deal with it, as opposed to just cutting myself off... well that didn't work out too well either, instead of cutting myself off from all those emotions i bottled them up... and ya know, i think they all came bursting forth recently... i was like an untamed beast, like a storm, emotions flowed through and out of me at such an alarming rate, and with such intensity that i was overwhelmed, and honestly... probably seemed kinda crazy. so now i think... "now what?" did i purge myself of all those bottled up emotions and that's why i feel so muted? i really don't know. the mind is a mysterious thing... very mysterious.