i dont understand... a lot. how can people affect you the way they do... how people come into your lives... tie themselves around you, help make you who you are... and then fade out. i find myself thinking back to times... and finding there are holes. pieces missing... not necessarily memories... but feelings, ideas... i've changed since those times gone by... and im a new person. i try to think back and find myself lacking of understanding because the person i was back then... no longer exists... i've often given people the advice when they are trying to get over someone... that they have to realize the person that they are in love with no longer exists... well the michael that originally said that, no longer exists... its hard for me to understand why i did certain things... why i was of a certain mindset... its odd because im not really longing for the past... not really. i know the very real reasons why the past went the way it did... why things ended up the way they are... and i dont really regret it, but i think i miss those holes... that understanding of feelings i had. i think i feel lost where i am now... in this void of feelings im currently living in. now dont get me wrong, im not a zombie... im not completely void of all emotion... its just. i've locked away those feelings i so willing gave out in the past... locked them away until someone comes along who deserves them. i guess i just feel odd w/out that, that part of me. and also i wonder, i wonder why i dont get calls randomly from people in the past... who happened to hear a phrase that reminded them of me, and they just wanted to call and see how i was doing... why dont i get an email from someone saying they had a dream about me, and it got them thinking of me again, and they wanted to know what i was up to these days... have i not impacted people as much as i'd like to think. i fear not. i think this saddens me more than the loss of the person... the fact that i left no long lasting impact in their lives... i didn't change them like i had hoped. oh well. what can one do? just thoughts... thats all.
Monday, September 14, 2009
I dont understand...
i dont understand... a lot. how can people affect you the way they do... how people come into your lives... tie themselves around you, help make you who you are... and then fade out. i find myself thinking back to times... and finding there are holes. pieces missing... not necessarily memories... but feelings, ideas... i've changed since those times gone by... and im a new person. i try to think back and find myself lacking of understanding because the person i was back then... no longer exists... i've often given people the advice when they are trying to get over someone... that they have to realize the person that they are in love with no longer exists... well the michael that originally said that, no longer exists... its hard for me to understand why i did certain things... why i was of a certain mindset... its odd because im not really longing for the past... not really. i know the very real reasons why the past went the way it did... why things ended up the way they are... and i dont really regret it, but i think i miss those holes... that understanding of feelings i had. i think i feel lost where i am now... in this void of feelings im currently living in. now dont get me wrong, im not a zombie... im not completely void of all emotion... its just. i've locked away those feelings i so willing gave out in the past... locked them away until someone comes along who deserves them. i guess i just feel odd w/out that, that part of me. and also i wonder, i wonder why i dont get calls randomly from people in the past... who happened to hear a phrase that reminded them of me, and they just wanted to call and see how i was doing... why dont i get an email from someone saying they had a dream about me, and it got them thinking of me again, and they wanted to know what i was up to these days... have i not impacted people as much as i'd like to think. i fear not. i think this saddens me more than the loss of the person... the fact that i left no long lasting impact in their lives... i didn't change them like i had hoped. oh well. what can one do? just thoughts... thats all.
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