2nd Ice Age

sooo last night i had a dream that i was in some sort of second ice age... the dream started with me being in this room of ice with my brothers i was a lot younger, and we were moving these containers of i guess food. we were just talking and kinda messing around so it was obvious that this was not the first time we had done this. my brothers were talking about how the "weeping" had gotten worse (the ice melting) and how everyone was kind of scared. cause apparently no one had known anything different from ice, so they thought if the ice melted there way of life would be over... yeah it was kinda interesting. i wonder if in life we fear change and the future like that, we are in a place that we are so used to, that when change starts to happen, we are afraid... but little do we know that the change will actually make things easier and better... i think that is what the dream meant.

All dried up.

I have no emotions, a dried up well.
Prick this finger and hear the air,
Watch as i deflate, an empty shell.
Drained and empty my uses grow thin,
if you could fill me, maybe i could feel again.

If i had a billion dollars...

so this morning in the shower i was thinking, like im prone to do, i was thinking about what i would do if i won not a million, but a billion dollars... that is a LOT of money, you say to yourself, "no one needs that much money" but see... i think i could probably do a lot of good with that much money... not just squander it on lavish eccentricities... well... not all of it. haha! ive always said that if i were to win any considerable amount of money, i'd give a ton of it to my friends. ya know, pay off all their debts, buy them cars... ya know that sort of stuff... but then i got to thinking... if i were to just GIVE money to all my friends, i dont think that would help make them better people... and i honestly think it would put a strain on our friendship... they would always feel like they owed me something... and i wouldn't want that. SO i decided instead of giving them money just cause, i would invest in there talents. now this might not work for most people... i just happen to have surrounded myself with very talented individuals, people with a good head on there shoulders... so i would invest, like, with david i would give him a stypen to just sit and write all day, and then help him get published, so that he could just be an author, and a musician. with bryan, i'd give him the start up capital to start one of our many crazy business ideas, yeah it'd be a lot of work... but i know he's love it, and enjoy it, and be happy... and it would in the end make its own money. i'd probably donate a ton of money to the nelsons, just cause they've done so much for so many people including myself... and have had to struggle so much with money throughout the years... i would still probably pay off everyones debts, just because you can't work to the best of your ability if you have a weight on your shoulders like debt... and i mean, dont get me wrong i would TOTALLY splurge and get some crazy things like a 80 million dollar luxury submarine




who needs a house... when you have a submarine like this! so yeah. everyone should figure out a way to get me one billion dollars!

Old Stuff

I feel poetic today... which means i go back and read my old poems from when i was able to write good poetry. here are a few selections:

Velvet Dance Floor
All i can do now is stare into the night sky,
wondering why the water isn't as clear.
All i can do now is hope for the long night cries,
or the whispers of a mother kissing her son goodnight.

All that is left is the empty ballroom,
where honor and virtue where left like old shoes in a corner.
All i want is to dance again on my velvet dance floor,
with you in my arms, we'd sway the night till morn'.

that is obviously where i got my screen name from... just so you know.

Cold Summer Nights
These summer nights are getting colder than the winter nights before,
as the snowflakes flow gently through my open door.
I pull the covers up, to keep my body warm,
but the cold is not the snow, it's the deepening pain and scorn.

I role over and try to go to sleep,
where the summer breeze will gently touch my cheek,
but the cold has gone to deep, and my covers are to thin.
So i role up into a slightly tucked up ball,
and wait this night away, from this never ending fall.

and another one, about an old friend of mine:

Silly Girl
You're so funny with your brown wool leggings, and your paper hat. Dancing and laughing with a freedom oh so borrowed, but with a second glance, you look back and forth. You're so self conscious of your face and hands. You're so beautiful, but you just dont see... oh you pretty pretty girl, you're just so silly.

those are all old, and have been posted on other such blog sites that i've had over the years... but i figured i'd post them here as well.

Glass Rose

Oh such a fragile flower made of glass... how do you survive at such great heights? must you make it so hard to reach? Even after the mountain is conquered and all heights are reached how to pluck such a flower? how to hold such fragile grace? All i see is shattered fragments left from my fumbling hands with drops of blood and shards of glass scattering the ground. No glass rose can stand, an impossible task to bring one home, but to give up is not an option. NO! I will descend this mountain top with scared, broken and bloody hands holding the essence of purity and grace oh so painful is a glass rose, but the beauty is worth the pain... is the beauty really worth the pain?

feeling kinda weird.

its really hard for me to explain how im feeling right now... basically take every emotion you could possibly feel... cut each in half, then in half again... take all the quarter pieces and put them in a pot, now stir until you have a smooth creamy paste. THAT is how i feel right now... a weird muted version of almost every emotion i could feel... i can't say that im sad, angry, upset, happy, lonely, depressed... i can't say im any of those... cause those are all too strong... its really weird... and i think it might be becoming a bit uncomfortable. the more prominent emotions would have to be discomfort and nostalgia... i am missing a lot of things right now, wishing and missing... but the odd part is through out it all, i realize the past is the past, you can't have it back, so whats the worth in missing it. so even my nostalgia is muted... i think i've learned a BIT of patience... and that is probably in part the reason for this weird muted feeling... cause i WANT soooo much, but at the exact same time, i know i have to wait, and wanting does nothing... so i get this muted mess... hurumph... i'd say i need a change, i need something new and fresh... but hahaha, i had that not to long ago, and im not sure if i want to go through those heightened emotions like that again any time soon. thats something else i haven't really talked about with anyone, after karis (f-ing 6 years ago) i had a real hard time feeling strong emotions... i felt apathetic towards most people... i didn't hurt easily... but i also didn't care easily... this faded a bit over time... but i still didn't think i could feel love completely... then i met Sarah Beth, and this became a real problem, cause i felt i should be madly in love with her, i felt i should have butterflies and gumdrops and all that gooshy stuff... but i didn't, and i didn't understand why. i threw it up to the fact that i had cut myself off from those strong emotions. well i forced myself eventually to feel strongly for her, and in turned was once again hurt beyond belief, so in order to NOT go through what i did the last time i decided i'd try a few different things to deal with it, as opposed to just cutting myself off... well that didn't work out too well either, instead of cutting myself off from all those emotions i bottled them up... and ya know, i think they all came bursting forth recently... i was like an untamed beast, like a storm, emotions flowed through and out of me at such an alarming rate, and with such intensity that i was overwhelmed, and honestly... probably seemed kinda crazy. so now i think... "now what?" did i purge myself of all those bottled up emotions and that's why i feel so muted? i really don't know. the mind is a mysterious thing... very mysterious.