Feelings, Emotions, Change, and Time.

So i've realized im in a very turbulent point in my life. i have been very sensitive to my feelings and emotions and thoughts and ideas, way more than normal... but i realized today that im changing. Im becoming a different person, i can almost see the changes in the way i think and feel, im growing, and its not a bad thing. when i look back at some of my emotional outbursts and turmoil i see them as a kind of growing pain, or like if im metal, its the hammer pounding me into the shape i need to be. i can only really give God the credit, throughout all of this i've been a lot of things i haven't wanted to be... ive done and said and thought things i haven't wanted to... but i realize now that all of it, was for a purpose, i am a bit stronger... a bit more secure... i am NO WHERE near what i want yet... but now that i realize what all this pain is for... i can work through it better... and not let it effect those around me as much. in my mind i see this lump of raw metal being slightly heated and hammered into shape... continuous hammering... and i look back and see every single blow, and when i thought i'd break, when i thought it was too hard... it obviously wasn't... cause the hammering continued... and i didn't break... but where rough un-polished metal once was... is now a smooth shinning surface. with this all in mind i can look forward to the future, and not be scared, or worried or anxious that only more pain is yet to come... but that i am going to be so much more the person i strive to be. so i take heart in that, this by no means means that i am not going to complain when i am being beaten into shape... the metal still growns under the weight of the hammer... but i now have something to keep my eye on... so i wont loose heart, and give up.

thanks.

A messed up dream.

i officially hate my mind.

Pain and Resolve

This past weekend was hard, is hard. It's hard because i can feel one of any number of emotions, most of which normally are not felt all at the same time. I have great friends, who constantly show themselves to be such. I have people who love me, and care about me, and constantly build me up, but at the same time, i have proven to be a monster... a much darker person than i ever thought i could be, and it kills me to know this. so, the only thing i can really do is move on. the past is the past, as saves the day says,

"Despair could ravage you if you turn your head around
to look down the path that's lead you here, cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship,
just don't bother with the things left in your wake."

so that is what i am choosing to do, live life. BE HAPPY. and in this spirit, here is something funny.



I love Don Quixote.

Oh, and PS.

I just want to say i am TERRIFIED by this... utterly TERRIFIED. if i owned one of these i would always be in fear that someone would mess it up, NEVER TO BE FIXED AGAIN!

Lets All Date Famous People.

Sooo... i had a dream last night that david and i were in this school thing, and it was in New York. I was running late and so when i got there everyone was already sitting around these tables, and david was talking to Kate Micucci. He introduced me to her, cause he didn't need her cause he was dating Dorothy. So Kate and i started talking and flirting and it was all really cute, but we didn't talk about if we liked each other or not, because that was forbidden. We'd just sit really close and lean across each other to do or say things to other people and our faces would touch, and we talked constantly about each other and wanted to know more about each other and she was really cool. there was this one point where i kissed her shoulder and she looked at me and smiled this queer little smile, it was cute, and i knew she liked me at that point, and all was well. it was a pretty sweet dream... i totally am going to date Kate Micucci!

Mauve Killed Thousands of People!

So, in my random wanderings through my bloggeringness... i came across this story about how the color mauve was invented, a young chemist in the mid 1800's was diligently searching for a in-expensive synthetic treatment for malaria having to do with mixing chemicals with coal to get a certain reaction, well he tried several different methods and ended up with an in-effective tar substance, then he discovered that when he treated this tar with alcohol it created a wonderful purple dye! well, mr Perkin, being a young ambitious and not very compationant man decided, "EF creating an in-expensive treatment for a horrible desease that is spreading throughout the british empire, im going to make a ton of money for selling this dye!" due to this, a synthetic treatment for malaria was not actually discovered till 1944. all because some kid decided he wanted to make more money!

i tell you this, mauve is evil, it was spawned out of greed! the color of greed is mauve!!