no pain no gain

i think i realized that the reason i am an emotional masochist is because i see in movies, and real life... so often, someone changing there life, due to some sort of extreme pain, some traumatic event. something happens, and it changes there life forever. i want that. i want my life to be changed. i want something to motivate me SO much, SOO much that it completely changes me forever... so i think at some level i seek out this pain, so that maybe, eventually.. someone will hurt me enough... that i'll change. i'll do something about it. i dont know. it's an idea.